Tam, your adorable kid is getting to me.
So last night, after finishing up a pretty decent thriller/crime book, I went to sleep. Woke up at 4 AM to pee, which was good, because I was having one of those not-really-a-nightmare-but-pretty-damn-disturbing-anyway dreams. Got back in bed, fell asleep, and guess what I dreamt about? I dreamt I had a little toddler.
Yep. I, at 21, had a baby.
Although I don't really think I was 21 - I think I may have been 23 or 24. Reality was skewed, as it normally is, because in my dream, the kid was mine and my ex's (even though that would have been physically impossible). Of course, he didn't want anything to do with it (or I think he didn't. He was absent from my dream, and I acted pretty much like he was dead or not interested in the kid). Anyway, my kid looked freaking adorable! Oddly enough (considering that my ex is black) she was this light caramel color with curly brown hair and green eyes (hmm, did I cheat with a white guy? Maybe that's why my ex didn't want anything to do with the kid. *tee hee hee*)
And we were hanging out with my extended family - and all my aunts were passing her around and practically worshipping the ground she walked on (as usually happens when people in the family have babies). Afterwards, everyone started preparing dinner, and I picked up my kid, took her over to her high chair, and got her ready to eat.
I remember going through the motions of feeding her, and wiping her cheeks when they got messy, and just feeling this amazing, overwhelming happiness - I swear, I don't think I've ever felt that happy in my entire life. It was like my life couldn't possibly get any better, and little things like combing her hair or putting on her shoes just made me feel so satisfied. It's hard to explain, really, this sensation - I don't want to go all anti-feminist on you and say that she was "the pinnacle of my life", "the best I could ever do", "she completed me", etc. Because, yes, I KNOW there are things, great amazing things, to do outside of taking care of your kids. And I plan to do them. But damn, just looking at her little face asking me for more apple juice was freaking amazing, people.
So I woke up and thought to myself, "Gee, my body REALLY want to breed, doesn't it?"
And just watch. 10 years from now I'll have kids. And I'll want to throttle them every single day.
....or Get Off the Pot
3 weeks ago