You know those cheesy commercials that come on at 2 AM on Lifetime? The ones that say, "Hello! Are you hurt? Have you been injured in an accident? You may be eligible for damages, up to $1,000,000 dollars! If you want to find out more, call us at 1-888-I'M-GONNA-STEAL-YOUR-MONEY!"
Yeah, those. You know those. So I'm chatting with The Boyfriend tonight, and I'm discussing my overwhelming urge to parachute into the Amazon jungle and live off bananas and roots for the next five years - adopting a little monkey who I eventually name Yoko, who fathers a whole family I dub "Yokonites".
And he says I'm being impractical and unreasonable, to which I heartily agree (but when am I really ever reasonable? It's no fun to be reasonable). But I still insist he should take long vacations with me, feeding the Yokonites and feasting on crushed roots. Unfortunately, The Boyfriend has other things on his agenda. Things like, for example, working for the Public Defender's Office. Which is all well and good until you realize that a beginning attorney earns 1 vacation hour per week. WEEK - yes, I said week. Which, according to my sloppy calculations means he'd have to work for about 3 1/2 years before he could take a week off for vacation. What kind of retarded system is that?!
So, in shock and desperation, I order him to cease and desist all Public Defender activities and come join me and my side of The Force. Or rather, my own little private practice I'll set up when I graduate law school (the reason being cuz no one will hire me and my bad bad grades). I plan to name it Pug & Pug LLC (you know, Keller & Keller, Brown & Brown, blah blah blah). Our commercial jingle will be: "Is your dog in trouble? Has he been injured in an accident? Has your dog suffered discrimination? Has he eaten too many chicken wings? We can help! Call our offices of Pug & Pug LLC, at 1-800-PUG. We'll be waiting!" We'll even have a little V-Dub Beetle painted in brown with a speaker fixed on top that utters loud doggy barks every 10 minutes. It'll be awesome.
1 month ago