Squirrels, Bunnies, and Pugs

I've always wondered - how does the squirrel and bunny hierarchy work? Perhaps I should explain.

I live in a suburban neighborhood, filled with screaming children and grass that's just five minutes away from dying a slow painful death. Here, I see squirrels and bunnies who have overcome their natural fear of all beasts much larger than themselves. They wait until said beast is only five inches away, and then take one heavy hop to the side, as if to say, "What? The sidewalk too small for you, you fat thing, you?"

I like to sit in my car sometimes after getting back from work and stare at the little fellows, digging for imaginary treats on my lawn - completely ignoring my recently parked car. Because they work in such close proximity, I always wondered - who's the boss here?

Although some would say that the precocious squirrels are at the top of the corporate chain, I would have to disagree. Yes, bunnies look gentle, sweet, and stupid. Bunnies become roadkill a lot more often than squirrels.

But I say this is all an act. Bunnies are smart, conniving little chaps. They know they look innocent and harmless, and they exploit this knowledge to its full potential. Squirrels, being ruthless loud little furballs, are recruited into the bunny fold, with promises of nuts and Pug Mom’s trash, to warn and protect the bunny population.

How else would it explain the fact that whenever I let the DevilSpawn outside, bunnies are completely absent from the picture, yet squirrels are hanging from every branch and twig, staring relentlessly at my pug? They’re the bunny security system, I’m telling you.

Unfortunately, the bunnies have overlooked a key factor: my pug doesn’t want to attack bunnies. He’s AFRAID of bunnies. He jumps in alarm whenever they appear out of the brush. After all, his only prey is the chicken in my fridge and the ants that crawl around outside. He’s such a pussy.